All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

Two of Swords
 

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BLIND

Words and Music By Jim Robbins

Can you still see me or only what’s missing? Can you still see me or only my affliction?
Once we seemed to know each other in every possible light,
And sometimes I could look at you as though looking into a mirror,
Yet you were always a better version of myself.
You gave me kindness, compassion, selfless love,
And I was better with you than I was alone. I was greater with you than I was just by myself.

Now it seems like I’m hiding in plain sight.
I can be standing right in front of you, yet it seems like you don’t really see me.
Can you see me, really see me, anymore?
If I tried to hide from you would you ever find me?
When I used to look at you I saw a better version of myself,
But now I look in our mirror and your eyes look right through me.
Am I in some crazy dream where you can never see me?

But now I feel like less than myself, less than half.
Once I was better with you than I was alone. I was greater with you than I was just by myself.

Can you still see me or only what’s missing? Can you still see me or only my affliction?
Once I wore myself out trying to hide from you.
I dashed through meadows and splashed through clouds
To hide in caves and trees, but you always found me,
As if you knew me better than I knew myself.

Once I was better with you than I was alone. I was greater with you than I was just by myself,
Did I climb some tree that is too high for you? Did I find some cave that is just too dark for you?
Did I run away on a path that you just can’t find?
I am right here, right here in front of you!

Entangled:

Part Four

   As Simon paced back and forth in Princess Ariadne’s room, muttering to himself, the Princess tried to get his attention. She shouted at him and even slapped his face, but her hand passed right through him. Simon could not see her or hear her even though she stood right in front of him. At one point the princess managed to knock the golden cup onto the floor, and Simon knew she was still there, struggling like a ghost to get his attention.
   The princess kept talking to Simon; occasionally he thought he heard her whisper. And Simon kept talking to her to reassure her that everything would be all right.

   Katie experienced several hallucinations while in the hospital. At one point, she believed that she was in an ambulance parked in front of her house and that the doctors and nurses could knock on the door of her house whenever they needed to talk to her husband. At another time, she believed that she had been wheeled into the trunk of a large tree in Madera, where an East Indian family was taking care of her. Another time, she believed that she was in a ship that was stopping at different docks in San Francisco. She would always argue with the nurses, trying to convince them of her reality. She claimed over and over that she was not delusional. The mind can play tricks after a physical trauma.

icu update

Last night Katie saw two demons in the icu,
about the size of children, but swears she
is not delusional. Nurse says 90 percent
of patients in icu become delirious due to lack
of rem sleep. Today Katie believes that the icu
is in a boat that is stopping at different docks
in san francisco. she keeps hearing seals
barking. the different machines in her room?

   You might be tempted to dismiss what I am about to describe to you as delusional. When I was forty-two, I started meditating to relieve stress, and I read a book that recommended a process of mental purification to achieve a deeper level of relaxation and optimal health. The book, the name of which I have forgotten, suggests visualizing each of the seven primary chakras as a turning margarita glass. The primary chakras follow a rainbow pattern of colors. Red is associated with the root chakra. The sacral chakra in the stomach region is orange. The solar plexus chakra is yellow. The heart center is green, the throat chakra is pale blue, the third eye chakra between the brows is violet, and the crown chakra is brilliant white. During this purification process you are supposed to visualize the impurities and mentally wipe them out with a damp, white cloth.
   I was surprised that I could easily visualize the chakras with my third eye, or what is commonly known as the mind's eye. The root chakra is associated with being grounded in physical reality. When I gazed into my root chakra, I saw nothing but brown muck. I mentally wiped and wiped my turning margarita glass with my white cloth, but I couldn't get all of the muck out. Undaunted, I continued the next day until it appeared that the muck was gone. Then I moved to the sacral chakra, associated with sexuality, creativity, and emotions, and to my surprise I discovered a blue film coating the orange margarita. Again, it took me a long time to wipe out the blue film. 

   I discovered later that the chakras of complimentary colors regulate each other. My throat chakra was dampening the sacral chakra to repress my emotions, something most of us must do in this society. Feeling blue, anyone? 

   When I gazed with my mind's eye into the solar plexus chakra, associated with wisdom, the intellect, and personal power, I saw an extremely bright yellow, so bright that it seemed way out of balance. Growing up a male in this society I was often encouraged to be dominant and in control; I realized that shining such a bright yellow light was one way of subtly attempting to establish dominance. I wiped out the chakra to get it more into balance.

icu update

Her recovery borders on the miraculous. She
Has a spirit hard to equal. Go Fish though
a little too complicated at this point.

   My heart chakra was totally black, which worried me because my father had died of a heart attack at the age of fifty-five. I have experienced more than my share of betrayal and lies and backstabbing, so I wasn't surprised to discover blackness in my heart. I spent hours wiping the blackness away, but it nevertheless returns occasionally because this society deluges us with negative energies, so I am still vigilant when it comes to my heart center. 

   Since I am artistically inclined, I spend a great deal of time expressing myself, so I wasn't surprised that my throat chakra was totally free of negative energies. My third eye chakra was another matter. I spent hours pulling black blindfolds that were tied together out of that chakra. The last blindfold was white. I soon unexpectedly began to have visions of spiritual symbols.
   In order for you to understand why I pray to the Archangel Raphael, I need tell a story that you might remember from an earlier post. Long ago, people would tell stories around a fire, and sometimes a person would repeat a story but change or add some details in order for the audience to experience a larger context in order  to have a deeper understanding of the underlying themes. I am going to be just like such an ancient storyteller now. With stories, we create our reality. The following story has shaped my reality for the past two decades. This society tells itself a very different story.

   One afternoon, while deep in the process of mentally cleansing my chakras, I had a vision of a gray, horizontal figure-eight above my head. I had no idea what it meant. Several days later I went shopping at a bookstore for a present and suddenly felt compelled to buy a pack of Tarot cards and a book about the Tarot for myself. As the cashier was ringing up the items, he confided that he had been thinking about "getting back into" the Tarot himself. Not knowing quite how to respond, I paused, then suddenly the word "synchronicity" popped out of my mouth. I confess that at the time I wasn't even sure what the word meant. The cashier smiled and handed me my purchase, and I then drove to another store on a different errand.

The Magician: Path 12 on Tree of Life

   Before I got out of the car, I flipped through the book and stopped at a page with a striking photo of a man named Carl Jung. I read the text below and discovered that Carl Jung had coined the term synchronicity to suggest how events in the external world can significantly mirror the symbolic world of the subconscious mind, linking events by meaning as well as by causality. I then opened the pack of Tarot cards. The second card in the deck, known as “The Magician,” reveals a man with a gray figure-eight floating horizontally above his head. I flipped through the book to a description of "The Magician" and discovered that the horizontal figure-eight, known as an infinity symbol, or lemniscate, symbolizes the knowledge of the infinitude within. I discovered later that the Tarot dovetails in every conceivable way with the Tree of Life, the mystical glyph containing the symbol system of the Qabalah.

   It also became clear to me that the Tree of Life is an expanded version of the seven primary chakras, with three pillars that represent polarities within the chakra system. In simplified terms, the pillar on the right represents force, the one on the left represents form, and the middle pillar represents balance. So it was no coincidence that I began to have visions of symbols associated with the Tarot and the Tree of Life while I was cleansing my chakras.

   I eventually understood a key concept of spiritual development: Different spiritual dimensions are associated with the primary chakras within the human aura; therefore, the stimulation and awakening of a chakra can be a life-altering event. Moreover, like the physical body, each chakra within the personal energy field needs to be stimulated and nourished by the corresponding spiritual energies of the Universal Energy Field. If you doubt me, examine the pantheons of the Gods and Goddesses or Archangels and Angels and Saints of the major religions: They are symbolic representations of basic (archetypal) spiritual energies that exist in both the Universal Mind and in the Tree of Life within the human aura. The personal energy field of the aura reflects the Universal Energy Field, which is how humans are made in God's image and why humans are gods.
   Chakras, in other words, are links to other dimensions and need energies from those spiritual dimensions as much as the physical body needs food. That is why major religions throughout history feature pantheons of Angels or Gods; the religions personify the archetypal energies as idealized human beings to make the energies more understandable, but they are unseen subtle forces, not humans. Through worship of the Gods or Angels, an individual can connect with the archetypal spiritual energies of the Universal Energy Field, thereby sustaining and empowering the different dimensions within the psyche.

   Besides the mental purification practices, there was another reason that I could see archetypal symbols from the higher astral plane during meditation: I had experienced exultation many times in nature and through the arts, which resulted in an expansion of consciousness that ultimately opened a door to transpersonal spiritual dimensions—even though I was not religious. Because I was miserable most of the time due to a chronic illness, I became an “exultation junkie.” I lived for spiritual inebriation, which usually occurred either when I was relaxed and tuned to the vibrations of the natural world, when I was listening to music, or when my mind went into “hyper-focus” while  painting or writing or composing music.

icu update

She is sitting up and eating soft foods. She can
stand with help. Can move left side more. Still
telling jokes. I don’t think she has complained
once, just wants to go home.

   I envisioned a few of the symbols many times, the most persistent being the golden, equal-armed cross with indistinct angels at each end, the golden plate and chalice on the brilliant white tablecloth, and the golden crown. I finally realized that together the golden symbols represent the harmony, abundance, and magnificence of the human spirit. I discovered later that the golden, equal-armed cross with the angels at each end also symbolizes the basic structure of occult banishing and invoking rituals.
   The Qabalist uses the basic structure of the equal-armed cross to perform rituals based on the four cardinal directions—east, south, west and north, respectively—to invoke Archangels who rule the Elements of the Wise: Archangel Raphael (Air), Archangel Michael (Fire), Archangel Gabriel (Water), and Archangel Uriel (Earth). These four elements represent subtle energies close to the physical plane, not the elements in the periodic table. The banishing ritual, known as The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (LBRP) clears an area of negative energies and has effectively kept negative entities of all types away from my aura. The invoking ritual, known as The Supreme Invoking Ritual of the Pentagram (SIRP), has helped to heal my weakened etheric body with powerful elemental energies.
   After I realized that the equal-armed cross with indistinct angels at each end on one level symbolizes the basic structure of the banishing and invoking rituals, I started performing the rituals, purely for the sake of experiment. One day, even though I felt that I was performing the invoking ritual very awkwardly, I suddenly felt like I was being swarmed by innumerable points of light emanating from the Archangel Raphael. Then I found myself in a thought bubble of startling complexity. In my mind's eye, I saw mathematical symbols and equations floating all around me, which was odd, since I am not mathematically inclined, and I experienced a profound sense of eternity. In terms of intellectual and spiritual development, I felt like an amoeba in comparison to that astonishing being. Ever since then I have prayed to the Archangel Raphael for healing whenever I am ill, and I tend to bounce back almost immediately.

icu update

Her recovery borders on the miraculous. No
longer on any meds! Might be transferred out
of icu tomorrow. Friends all over, people in
book clubs, churches, even the raider nation
praying for her!
Go, Katie!

   That next day I performed the invoking ritual again but neglected to perform the banishing ritual afterwards. At the time, I slept in the guest room because I snored, and my wife is a light sleeper. That night, just as I was falling asleep, something shook me so violently that I thought all my cells were going to fly apart. Shocked, I lay still a moment and then turned on the light. My dog was sleeping peacefully in the corner of the room, but no one else was there. The door was locked. Everyone else in the house was asleep. I turned off the light and stretched out again, and just as I was falling asleep, something nudged my ribs four times, hard. Again, I turned on the light, but I did not see anyone else in the room. The next day as I was working alone in the guest room, which is also my studio, something made a farting noise right behind my head. No one else was in the house.
   Oddly, I was not completely terrified by the paranormal activity. I performed the banishing ritual in the morning and the evening, and the entity stopped bothering me. However, the entity started targeting my wife and daughter. My wife started having nightmares during which she would stand up and swing her fists at the air and yell at some invisible foe. When she woke up, she had no memory of battling an invisible enemy. She did, however, remember dreaming about strange entities, such as a man in a long, black nightgown, and a figure that she described as a “log man,” and a bird that flew under her door.
   My daughter started hearing a man whimpering in her closet at night. Then one evening while she was sitting on her bed, she heard a voice say, “Don’t turn around.” When she turned, she could clearly see a figure that looked like black smoke standing at the foot of her bed. It suddenly leapt onto the ceiling and then jumped from wall to wall. Scared to death, she dashed out of her room. I performed the banishing ritual in every room of the house after that, and the activity died down.
   The rituals include the pentagram, or five-pointed star. Thanks to the media, people nowadays tend to be familiar only with the inverted pentagram used by satanic cults. Many people consequently believe that all pentagrams are evil, which could not be farther from the truth. Every spiritual symbol, like the cross or the pentagram, has the potential to be turned upside down, just as all divine energies can be perverted by unbalanced individuals. The pentagram is actually a symbol representing the most harmonious force in the cosmos, the Christ-force, the five pointed star combining five elements, or levels of being, in absolute balance. Just as importantly, the pentagram can be used in ritual to bring energy harmoniously down the planes from spirit to matter.
   The pentagram has several significant meanings. First of all, the pentagram is drawn in one continuous motion, suggesting its unity of form, but unlike the circle, which has no beginning or end, one can begin drawing the pentagram at any of its five points, each of which have various symbolic associations. The pentagram reveals the unity of Earth, Air, Water, and Fire, and the fifth element of Spirit, or Aether. This reflects the esoteric doctrine that four visible states have their root in a fifth, invisible state.
   Like the circle, the pentagram establishes a boundary. In order to invoke any spiritual energy, a boundary must be established for the appropriate energy to manifest in a concentrated form. The pentagram is also used to banish unwanted energies so that desired energies can then be invoked in a purer state. As a five-pointed figure, the pentagram stems from the Emanation (Sephira), or state of being, represented as the fifth sphere on the Tree of Life known as Geburah (meaning “power” or “severity”). Geburah restricts and controls energy on all levels of being in the same way that a combustion engine controls force so that the engine will run and the vehicle will operate. In other words, the severity of Geburah restricts force in a harmonious and productive manner.
   So it is appropriate that the pentagram is a figure representing the most harmonious force in the cosmos, the Christ-force. This is so because the elements and the letters of a familiar name of God, also known as the Tetragrammaton, are positioned on the points of the star to reflect this symbolic meaning. The Tetragrammaton contains the Hebrew letters Yod Heh Vau Heh, which spells Yahweh, or Jehovah. Reflecting how manifestation occurs down through the planes of force and form, Yod represents the element of Fire, Heh represents Water, Vau Air, and final Heh Earth. Each of these elements is associated with a suit in the Tarot, Fire with Wands, Water with Cups, Air with Swords, and Earth with Pentacles. To continue the association chain, in simple terms Fire represents the spiritual will, Water the archetypal plane, Air the astral plane (sometimes referred to as the plane of emotion), and Earth the physical plane. If you add the Hebrew letter Shin, which represents the Aether at the top point of the star, you form a new word, "Yeheshua," the name of Christ.

   The banishing ritual clears a space of all negative energies, leaving only the Christ-force within the circle. Over the following weeks and months that I performed the ritual, I eventually realized that during the banishing ritual my ego slips away and I experience myself as a point of harmony and light. Eventually during the ritual, I began to see myself as a brilliant sun. My ego disappears, as well as all thoughts about who I am or should be. I realize now that this state can be extremely unbalancing for anyone who relies entirely on the ego for survival, so I do not walk around recommending that everyone try it. However, it is a simple but effective way that over time enables the soul to experience the Christ-force--if the ritual is performed effectively.

   I, of course, could argue till I am blue in the face with skeptics about the authenticity of my spiritual visions and experiences. I believe, however, that it was more than coincidence that I envisioned archetypal symbols associated with an ancient spiritual tradition after I had cleansed my primary chakras, symbols that form the basis of the complex mystical system known as the Tree of Life. Before then, I was an atheist who had no knowledge whatsoever of the existence of these symbols. I often had to do research to figure out their meaning. In a few weeks, my materialistic point of view vanished, transforming me from atheist to spiritual seeker. Based on my experience, I realized that we are surrounded by the energy of different dimensions that exist outside the range of our physical senses. All energy is vibration, and we cause vibrations in the collective unconscious and the Universal Mind with our thoughts and feelings. I discovered that human beings through ritual and meditation and prayer can cause vibrations in the subtle dimensions, and we can then receive assistance from compassionate, intelligent spiritual entities. I did not totally understand the power of prayer and meditation and ritual, however, until Katie made her miraculous recovery. 

 All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

Knight of Swords

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CURSE

Words and Music By Jim Robbins

How can you fight the unseen? How can you stop an invisible foe?
I just don't know how to fight this, what to do, how to solve this. I just don't know.
If I can't use my fists, if I can't use a weapon,
How can I stop this assault? How can I end this curse?
How can I end this horror?
Perhaps I can use my heart. Perhaps I can use my mind
to imagine how it should be.
I could imagine it so intensely that I would break the curse
If I can see her as happy and whole, perhaps she'll return to the way she was:
So vibrant, spreading love and light wherever she goes.
Maybe my heart and mind are my only tools to stop this,
but I don't know if they are strong enough. I just don't know.
My heart and mind must always be healing this horrible affliction.
Perhaps I can use my heart. Perhaps I can use my mind
to imagine how it should be so intensely that I will break the curse.

Entangled:

Part Three

   Back in the castle, Simon discovered the terrible effects of the curse. When he sneaked into Ariadne’s room, he found the golden symbols, but he could not find the princess. He searched the castle, becoming more and more frantic, but he could not find her anywhere. From her high tower, the queen could sense Simon’s agitation, and she ordered the castle guards to capture him and take him to her room.

   The queen told Simon that she had cast a spell that had turned the princess into the golden symbols that he had discovered in her room. Could he love the princess now? the queen wondered, screeching with laughter. Then the queen, who had the ability to vanish at will, suddenly disappeared. The guards let Simon go, and he rushed back to Ariadne’s room, grieving about the curse and racking his brain to figure out a way to break the spell.

   In my musical, the hero, after many failed attempts to thwart the witch, envisions the young woman as happy and whole in her physical body once again—he finally does so with such great emotion that he breaks the witch’s spell. Every time I stayed with Katie in the hospital room I prayed and did the same kind of intense visualization because I believe that sending out positive thoughts into the Universal Mind is beneficial on a subtle spiritual level.

icu update

“Just get through moment” slowly turning
into “just appreciate every moment.” In the
past, have tried to cultivate that attitude but
now embrace it with a much greater sense of
compassion for all that people suffer. The
human spirit is magnificent. It is a great
Monday.

   Before Katie’s stroke, I had never before witnessed the power of prayer and positive thinking on a large scale. Every day, after I stepped into her hospital room, I visualized her as happy and healthy, and I prayed to the Archangel Raphael, “Healer of God,” to guide the doctors and nurses and to make her well again. Every time Katie seemed in danger, I envisioned Raphael enveloping her in the brilliant white light of positive, healing energy. Her mother was there praying for her as well. Every day, spiritual people all over the country were praying for her and sending her positive energy and visualizing her as healthy and whole. Even though in the first few weeks complications threatened her life daily, Katie bounced back every time. She eventually made a miraculous recovery, with only her scar, some fatigue and a little numbness in her left foot reminding her that she had recently experienced a stroke.

icu update

Nurses say that they have never seen anyone
pee so much! Finally found the right balance
of meds and fluids though. Making progress
on this roller coaster. Swelling down. Can
finally move left arm a little bit. Nurse says
it’s all about small victories.

   Skeptics could easily conclude that science, technology, and sheer medical know-how saved her life. I understand that point of view because I only believed in “facts” and in what can be "proven" before I experienced my spiritual emergence over a decade and a half ago. I am of the opinion now that brilliant doctors and strong spiritual support were both responsible for her miraculous recovery. I believe spiritual support is equally as important because we are all connected through the collective unconscious.

icu update

Recovery will take a long time, they say.
She keeps poking me in the belly, calling me
Pillsbury Doughboy, while insisting that I am
not fat. My ex wife’s phone has a record of
where she’s been. I told my ex better not
commit a crime or become a terrorist. Then
Katie joked that the only kind of terrorist
Mom could become would be a grammar nazi.

   Like Carl Jung, I believe that humanity as a whole has a collective consciousness that each individual can tap into. That is one reason why the gods and spiritual symbols in different cultures throughout history are so similar. Based on my experiences in nature, I believe that humanity and nature together form a web of collective consciousness as well. Not only do people have a spiritual connection with plants and animals, but we also have a connection with subtle nature spirits and over souls. And a Universal Consciousness exists throughout the cosmos that contains all webs of consciousness, individual and collective. Individual human consciousness, for good or ill, can cause vibrations in the webs of consciousness in other individuals and in the Universal Consciousness in varying degrees. During Katie’s ordeal, I experienced the subtle spiritual vibrations of many people praying to heal her. I cannot prove it, of course, but I felt it happening because during the past decade and a half I have become more and more sensitive to those types of vibrations from other people after undergoing a long process of mental purification.

 All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

Four of Swords: Jupiter in Libra

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Gentle Rain

Words and Music By Jim Robbins

When a mother expresses her love through a hug, a touch, a gaze,
Her child carries that love through the day, carries it in her heart
on her paths through the world.

I want you to feel my love through a touch, a smile, a prayer,
And carry my love through the day, carry it in your heart
On your paths through the world.

Love spreads through us like blood through our veins
And flows like streams to an ocean, and love comes back like a gentle rain
To revive our thirsty roots and make us new again.

I want you to feel my love through a touch, a smile, a gaze,
And carry my love through the week, carry it in your heart
On your paths through the world.

Love spreads through us like blood through our veins
And flows like streams to an ocean, and love comes back like a gentle rain
To revive our thirsty roots and make us new again.

I want you to feel my love through a touch, a smile, a prayer,
And carry my love through your life, carry it in your heart
On your paths through the world, on your paths through the world.

ENTANGLED:

Part Two

   Just before the queen’s evil spell took effect, Simon had said goodbye to the princess and wished her well with all the love in his heart, which is reflected in the song “Gentle Rain.” After the princess returned to her room in the castle, the spell did its worst: The princess disappeared, leaving only golden symbols in her place: a crown, an equal-armed cross, and a cup and plate on a brilliant white cloth. The princess was still in the room, but totally invisible, except for those symbols.

   In a similar way, the stroke caused my daughter Katie to disappear as well. Katie had to be constantly sedated because every time she approached consciousness, she tried to pull the breathing tube out of her throat, which caused her blood pressure to spike to dangerous levels. We could not, in other words, attempt to comfort her without threatening her life.
   After the brain surgery to remove the AVM and the aneurysms, the entire left side of Katie’s body was paralyzed. Nobody knew if the paralysis would ever go away. A nurse told us that the swelling in her brain might be causing the paralysis, and Katie might get back to normal in three or four days. All we could do was sit by her bedside and wait.

icu update

Nurse said surgeon will cut a large incision
above forehead down to ear, open the skull
and take out avm, clamping the blood vessels.
Should take about six hours. Surgery tomorrow.
Not sure what kind of brain damage might occur.
One patient in icu can only scream ouch or no. sometimes says yes to everything

   Much of what occurred over the next few days is now a blur. I still have trouble recollecting the experience in a linear fashion and tend to remember only traumatic events in detail. 

   After a few days, I recognized that my memory was slipping due to lack of food and sleep. I often had trouble during those first few days remembering where I had parked the car in the eight-story parking garage across from the hospital, for instance. 

   I have to maintain a strict gluten-free diet since I experience atrial fibrillation, or A Fib, if I ingest even the tiniest amount of gluten. I had great difficulty finding gluten free food in the hospital cafeteria or the surrounding area (even in San Francisco, believe it or not) and I felt myself slowly becoming more and more worn out and disoriented until I eventually discovered a taqueria in the student union across the street that served gluten-free tacos. Atrial fibrillation itself can lead to a stroke: due to irregular heartbeats, blood can pool in a chamber of the heart and coagulate; a clot can form that finds its way into the brain. I was going to witness over the next few weeks exactly what kind of damage a stroke can do to a person.

icu update

Not retaining water. Heart rate extremely high,
blood pressure low. Arteries narrowing again.
Every moment they are saving her life.

   Every time for the first few weeks that Katie seemed to be having a good day, something would spiral out of control that night or the next day. Without being conscious of it at first, I began to realize that the doctors and nurses, all of whom were calm and positive, were battling to save her life every moment, fighting against vasospasms and dangerous blood pressure levels and narrowing arteries and her inability to retain water. They knew exactly what might occur during this battle but never provided any advanced warning to the family. One day, without emphasizing the seriousness of the operation, doctors performed an emergency angiogram where they inserted a balloon-like catheter into her femoral artery and pushed it all the way into her brain to keep the artery open. At that point I clearly understood that she had been at death’s door the whole time, and it seemed like the threats to her life would never cease.

icu update

Left side paralyzed. Could be from swelling of
brain. 72 hours until swelling goes down. Just
have to wait.

   One day, as I was nodding off in the waiting room, I noticed a patient being rushed in his hospital bed toward the operating room. A few minutes later, a code blue alert blasted through the NICU. We found out the next day that the patient didn’t make it.

All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

TWO OF CUPS:

Venus in Cancer

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PENDULUM DREAMS

Subtle Storms

Words and Music By Jim Robbins

Like butterflies whose flight causes a squall in some other part of the world,
We cause storms of love in the hearts and souls of others.
Everywhere we go, we cause storms of love.

Yes, we are tuned to each other, like wine glasses that vibrate
To a sound at the same frequency, and our hearts resonate
With love, compassion, kindness, and joy.
Our hearts cause subtle storms everywhere we go.
We set off cyclones of sympathy. We cause gales of joy,
Gusts of tenderness. We stir sprinklings of kindness
And downpours of divine love.
Our love can open a heart like the words of a magic spell
Chanted at just the right vibration. I’m sure our resonance
Causes some to fall in love, some to wake filled with joy,
Some to give or forgive, some to shift towards peace.
Our hearts make subtle storms everywhere we go.
We set off cyclones of sympathy. We cause gales of joy,
Gusts of tenderness. We stir sprinklings of kindness
And downpours of divine love.
Yes, we are tuned to each other, like wine glasses that vibrate
To a sound at the same frequency, and our hearts resonate
With love, compassion, kindness, and joy.
Our hearts cause subtle storms everywhere we go.

Drops falling on a still pond cause ripples. Everywhere we go, we cause storms of love.

Entangled:

Part One

 

   Once, long ago, a carpenter was working in a castle, and he took his son Simon to work with him so that his son could learn the trade. That is how Simon happened to meet Princess Ariadne. Simon and the Princess became fast friends and seemed almost inseparable. They were in fact twin flames who were nearly the same in just about everything.

   Since Simon was the son of a carpenter and Ariadne was a princess, the young friends soon realized that they had to hide their affection, which grew into love, but they were so happy together that for a long time their social differences seemed only a minor obstacle. 

    As they grew older, Simon and Princess Ariadne would escape the castle now and then and stroll through the streets of the town. Eventually Simon and the Princess were so in love that they subtly affected the hearts and souls of others, causing the townspeople to feel sympathy, kindness, compassion, joy and love as the two of them passed by.

   The queen, who was Ariadne’s stepmother, one day sensed their love for each other from her tower in the castle. The queen had suffered many years through a loveless marriage, and she was jealous of her stepdaughter’s youth and beauty. She wanted to crush their love, so she cast a terrible spell from her high tower.

   Little did Simon and Princess Ariadne know what terrible storm was about to rain down upon them.

   As you might have already guessed, I am telling two stories, one a fairy tale and one not nearly as enchanted. As I was writing the fairy tale, a storm was about to thunder through my daughter’s brain, caused by an AVM, or arteriovenous malformation. My daughter Katie had been born with a tangle of veins, which ordinarily would have been a smooth web, connected to an artery in her brain. Two aneurysms had formed in the tangled veins due to the pressure from the blood flowing from the artery. When she was only 29, an aneurysm burst.

   John, her husband, and I finally found Katie in the ICU, but we weren't allowed to see her because the doctors and nurses were stabilizing her. Around four-thirty in the morning, I finally got about ten minutes of sleep in a broken-down recliner in the hospital waiting room. In my dream, I mixed up Katie’s ordeal with the musical I was writing. With an evil spell, a witch takes away the ability of people to see a young girl’s physical beauty; instead, they can only see golden spiritual symbols that represent her inner beauty: a crown, an equal-armed cross, and cups and plates on a brilliant white tablecloth. Katie, of course, is not the princess, but some aspects of the story oddly seemed to me at the time to correspond to Katie's ordeal in several ways, possibly due to my growing disorientation. Every day in the hospital, as I grew more worn out, I continued to recognize those spiritual qualities within Katie even though her body remained severely disabled, and I struggled to imagine her as happy and healthy with as much positive emotion as I could muster. 

icu update

She’s having vasospasms, capillaries 

constricting due to blood on the brain.

Arteries narrowing. It is life threatening.

   Spoiler alert: In the musical, the princess’s suitor, a common man, recognizes his spiritual connection to the princess. He does not abandon her through their ordeal; instead, he does everything he can to break the spell. It seems to me even now that themes in “Entangled” and other songs oddly parallel aspects of our life at the time. One song suggests the inability of the princess, who was invisible to those around her, to express her vivacious soul; because her body was missing, the hero could only see symbols that reveal the magnificence, harmony and abundance of her spirit. Katie was unconscious most of the time, and for 72 hours after the craniotomy, she was unable to feel anything on the entire left side of her body, nor could she move any part of it, a state that doctors and nurses feared might be permanent. 

   John and I were finally allowed to see Katie that first morning; she seemed only half-asleep, though heavily sedated. I tried to comfort her and to tell her that I love her, but the more conscious she became, the more she grimaced and struggled to remove the breathing tube from her throat. I also noticed that her blood pressure went sky high every time she started to wake up because of the irritation caused by the breathing tube. The nurse said they had to restrain her and keep her sedated so that she wouldn’t pull out the tube. I realized then that it was dangerous to try to comfort her or even talk to her. All we could do was wait next to her bed as machines beeped and whirred and nurses and doctors shuffled in and out.

 All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

Three of Swords: Saturn in Libra

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ENTANGLED

Words and Music By Jim Robbins

Vocals by Krysten Ortiz

Flowers and birds and trees and us
are like threads of different colors
in a tapestry of light, a tapestry of love.
Fields upon fields of energy are woven together
by light. Love is woven through it all.
In each life some threads are destined
to be woven together. We are meant
to be entangled, weaving our own tapestry of love.
Can't you feel how we have been woven together
in a tapestry of love? Love is weaving our lives
together. Love is woven through it all.

Poppies and Lupine after a Fire

 

PENDULUM DREAMS:

Part 17

   About eight months after my wife and I separated, our daughter Katie suffered a stroke.

icu update

Katie is in the hospital. They think she has
an aneurysm. No neurosurgeon here in fresno.
Flying her by helicopter to san fran. John
and I heading there now.

   Many people were reduced to tears when they found out. A few people searched for a reason, as if hoping to find someone or something to blame. For the religious especially, it was unthinkable that God would cut down a lovely, vivacious woman in the prime of her life without a discernable reason. A few wondered out loud if she had smoked or used drugs or drank too much. I think for most people, religious or not, the self-preservation instinct makes it hard to admit that life can end abruptly without warning. Katie didn’t smoke or use drugs or drink. The doctors found an arteriovenous malformation, or AVM, and surmised that she had probably been born with it. Instead of a web of capillaries and veins connecting smoothly with an artery, a tangle of malformed veins over time eventually weakened, and an aneurysm near her right frontal lobe exploded. She was twenty-nine. During the craniotomy, the neurosurgeon removed a “nasty AVM with two aneurysms.” A scar, shaped like a question mark, curving from just above her forehead to the top of her skull and down to her right ear, remains.

   When I received the phone call from John, Katie’s husband, I was alone in my condo composing a song for a musical, a fantastic tale involving a witch and a princess. (A few hours before I received the call, I had named the song "Entangled.") John managed to convey that Katie was in the hospital with what the doctors believed to be an aneurysm. John was taking a shower after work when Katie stumbled into the bathroom, plopped down on the toilet, and complained that she wasn’t feeling well. After John stepped out of the shower, Katie screamed and pressed her right temple with her hand. He caught her as she was collapsing. After he carried her to bed, he called 911 immediately. Katie had never acted like that before even during her worst bouts of pain.
   After her stroke, over a period of several weeks, medical personnel continually saved her life, but her husband John was the first to do so by calling 911 immediately.

icu update

They think she might have an avm: arterial
Venus malformation? Nate in six feet under
had an avm? Doctors evasive about whether she'll
recover. She has a good chance since she is
young and strong. 

   If the timing had been different—if, for instance, John hadn’t gotten home before her stroke, or if he had hesitated to call 911, or if the rupture in her brain had occurred while she was driving home from work by herself, she in all likelihood would have died.
   She was still alert and talking when the EMTs settled her in the ambulance, but John found out later that on the way to the hospital she had become unresponsive, and an EMT was forced to intubate her because she was no longer breathing on her own. (We also found out later that intubation probably gave her pneumonia because when the EMT was sliding the breathing tube down her throat, she vomited, and some of the effusion drained into her lungs. According to a nurse, vomit in the lungs often leads to infection.)

icu update

Arteriovenous malformation, a tangle of veins
and capillaries where instead the artery and
veins should connect in a smooth web. With an
AVM, blood within the high pressure system
of the artery flows into a malformed low
pressure system of veins. The tangled
connection eventually weakens and ruptures,
often during a bout of high blood pressure.

   After I hung up the phone, I rushed to the hospital, but a security guard in a large booth would not allow me to proceed through the metal detector, an archway between the booth and the emergency room entrance. The security guard asked me to check on Katie’s status with a male nurse who was sitting in front of a computer on the other side of the metal detector. I then discovered that the hospital only allows one person at a time to see an emergency room patient. I insisted in a quiet voice, clearly but firmly, “My daughter has an aneurysm. I need to see her right now.” The security guard, however, refused to let me through because John was still with her. Suddenly, a large Hispanic man started fighting with a security guard in the emergency waiting room. Several policemen and security guards descended upon the man and shouted commands. The man calmly placed his hands on his head and got down on his knees. (John suggested later that the man might have caused trouble so that he would have a place to stay for a while. I am not so sure.)

   I could not afford that kind of trouble, so I texted John and paced outside the emergency room for what seemed like ages. After John came out after what was probably only a few minutes, I got permission to enter the hospital and rushed through the metal detector into the emergency waiting room, where I had to obtain a pass from another male nurse before I could go back and search for her room, R14, which I finally found with the help of other nurses on the floor.
   I found Katie unconscious in a hospital bed. Because of the breathing tube and the angle of the bed, I could barely see her face. The doctor showed me x-rays of her brain that revealed a subdural hematoma with a slight mid-line shift, caused by a stroke. The bleeding in her brain, in other words, had forced her brain to shift a little. The doctor admitted that he couldn’t say definitively what was causing the bleeding since he wasn’t a neurologist. Katie would have to be transported to UCSF Medical Center for diagnosis and treatment. No neurosurgeons in Fresno. I had to ask finally in a faltering voice, “Is she going to make it?”
   The doctor chirped, “I am sorry, but I have to be evasive right now. It’s too early to tell. She’s going to be flown by helicopter to San Francisco in a few minutes, and we will find out more after she gets there.”
   I muttered that it would probably be a good idea for John and me to drive up there right away, and he agreed.
   I raced home and grabbed a few items, not realizing that summer in San Francisco is more like winter in Fresno. While I packed, I felt like I was moving clumsily the whole time, and it suddenly seemed to me that my inability to coordinate my thoughts and movements more quickly and efficiently was a terrible flaw in my character, and I started cursing myself, which had the effect of making it even harder to concentrate. Finally, still muttering, I drove to their house, and John and I sped up 99 after midnight, both of us hardly able to speak.
   On the way, John confessed through tears that he was scared. I put my hand on his shoulder as we drove through a void of almond orchards, vineyards and cotton fields, and mumbled with tears in my eyes, “She's going to get through this, and so are we. Just imagine that she is healthy and happy. Send out positive thoughts into the universe. That’s the best thing we can do right now. Don’t dwell on the negative. That’s not good for you or her.” After dealing with numerous text messages, John closed his eyes and eventually fell asleep. As I was driving, I got a text message from my son Holden in San Diego. While driving, I wrote my first illegal text message with my right thumb at one thirty in the morning, which read, “sory j a sleep.”
   At two thirty in the morning, while John was sleeping, I encountered road work on 152. A long line of cars stood at a standstill. I waited a minute until I noticed a car turning left onto a rural highway heading west toward Freeway 101. I had never traveled that highway before. All I knew was that it seemed to head in the direction that I needed to go, so I gunned the car and drove in the wrong lane for a hundred feet, then swerved left onto the highway. At first, the bumpy road headed west, but then it started to curve next to a streambed, and soon it seemed to be heading north. I began to suspect that I had made a bad choice, but I raced ahead in the darkness, suddenly feeling lost and alone. All I had was hope that I might find another road that would lead to 101 North. Suddenly I came upon a gas station near an entrance to Freeway 101 in Gilroy.
   I confess that I almost nodded off more than once while driving the last leg of the journey. I only managed to stay awake by continually shifting in my seat while thinking about Katie. We finally arrived in San Francisco around three-thirty in the morning without any idea where the hospital was located. No one at the hospital in Fresno had been able tell us how to get there. The streets were completely deserted; we had the whole city to ourselves but no one to give us directions.
   We eventually found the University of San Francisco campus and parked the car, thinking that the hospital might be nearby. As we stepped out of the car in short-sleeved shirts, we immediately started to freeze. We shivered for several blocks in a chilling breeze until I suggested to John that icicles were about to form on our mustaches and we should head back to the car. After consulting googlemaps again while blasted by the car heater, we eventually found what might be the hospital where Katie was being treated. As we entered the hospital, policemen were shouting at someone outside, and we were met by a suspicious security guard near the front window, who checked to see if Katie was actually in the hospital. No metal detector this time, however. John and I finally were each handed a pass and with a sigh, we rode the elevator up to the Neuro ICU on the eleventh floor. We had to hang out in a small, air-conditioned waiting room for what seemed like hours while they were stabilizing Katie in bed 4 of the NICU.

icu update

Katie probably born with avm. Another 29 yr
old in the icu has same problem. So far Katie
has no physical or cognitive deficits. No
impairments, in other words, thank god. No
drooping of the left side of the face. No
paralysis. She can move and talk.

   I realize now that I wasn't allowing the seriousness of Katie’s condition to sink in at that point, but over the next few weeks, I began to identify medical euphemisms and understand the jargon. I eventually understood, for instance, that “stabilizing” meant finding all the right medications and the right amount of fluids to keep her alive. At one point she had eight different medications and solutions dripping into her body. To this day, I am not sure how many times Katie nearly died, but I could eventually tell when the doctors and nurses were becoming concerned due to their laconic jargon and the increased frequency of their visits. I learned how to read the monitor and could tell when her heart rate was dangerously high and her blood pressure dangerously low. After they took the breathing tube out the first time, I could tell when her oxygen level was getting to the point that she might need to be intubated again, which would start another round of sedation.

All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.

Redbud and Flowers near my Father's Favorite Fishing Hole:
North Fork of the Kings River

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SUBTLE FLOWERS

 

I left all the bridges and came to your border

where rivers root within you

and flowers unfurl even in your shadow

and you find eyes opening at sunrise

and your touch awakens flowers

on a tree within me

for in another life you were blind

and you saw with your fingers

until your third eye opened

and now when you hold your hands over me

I am cleansed of all shadows

but here comes the shadow

looking for all it can swallow

while you remain so kind

and when you touch the flower

between my eyes a dove on fire

flies through me and when

you touch my feet you hear the march

of a shadow over sand

and you find eyes opening at sunrise

and your touch awakens flowers

on a tree within me

for in another life you were blind

and you saw with your fingers

until your third eye opened

and now when you hold your hands over me

all of my shadows fly away

and golden light flows into me

and my heart no longer attracts blackness

and now when you hold your hands over me

the heavenly force flows through me

and I am whole again

but here comes the shadow

looking for all it can swallow

yet you remain so kind.

 

Pestles on a Pounding Stone

PENDULUM DREAMS:

Part 16

 

     Last spring, as I drove around Pine Flat Reservoir, I noticed what appeared to be a tribe of shooting stars on an embankment, so I pulled into a grassy turnout and strolled down the narrow road, risking my life as pickup trucks now and then blasted by me a few feet away.

     I found the shooting stars on a steep slope peeking out from ferns and grass and fallen branches above golden fiddleneck that was bobbing above baby blue eyes. Then I noticed an albino blue dick dancing along with popcorn flowers. As I continued to gaze at the hillside, I inhaled the pure breath of the trees and flowers, and suddenly I saw in the shade the first Chinese purple houses, blooming several weeks earlier than usual.

Chinese Purple House

     As I immersed myself in this brilliant tapestry, I felt the unified consciousness of the World Soul. For a moment, I lost myself in the Source of all Creation. Like people, these stunning beings in their ecosystem are multidimensional, but they are not fragmented in consciousness like people. They do not classify others as inferior or superior, as expendable or useful, based on physical or emotional or mental or spiritual qualities.

     Stunning flowers exist in the subtle energy body of human beings known as the aura. I have envisioned them during meditation. After cleansing each chakra within my aura, I recognized the divinity of all people and all life. Light workers like my friend Amber can cleanse and heal the wounds within the aura and make our subtle energy fields whole and beautiful again. 

     We can ignore the splendor of these living tapestries as we zoom by in our vehicles or disassociate with our devices even though only a few moments with these flowers can open our spirits to the divinity of the natural world. 

     The current world turns the psyche into a cesspool of foul thought-forms, but purification leads to revelation, and as you gradually cleanse yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, your heart becomes as light as a feather, and your soul takes over your waking consciousness. That which does not serve you falls away. You attain heights that formerly you might not have imagined.

     As I continued along Trimmer Springs Road, I encountered a father handing a fishing pole to each of his young sons, which took me back fifty years to the first time my brother and I fished along the Kings River with our father. Very little in the Kings River watershed has changed since then, except that many flowers are blooming weeks earlier than usual, which could be another sign of climate disruption.

     Now, fifty years later, I am keenly aware of the threats to organized human existence. I have seen how the rivers and wetlands have died in the valley due to cultivation and and urbanization, how marine life is dying, how the forests at higher elevations are turning into deserts of dirt and ash and rock through conflagrations worse than we have ever seen before.

     Even though I know how perilous the world has become due to climate disruption and the potential for nuclear war, I still felt one with the World Soul while I experienced one brilliant array of flowers after another. I realized how fragile we all are and how hard it is to fight the corporate totalitarianism that charades nowadays as democracy in our country.         

     The elites control politicians on both sides of the aisle with dark money; hence, no truly meaningful policies to protect the planet are adopted because both parties are instead protecting the financial interests of the super-rich. The Democratic Party has morphed into a right-wing political party while the Republicans hang out on the idiot circus fringe, sowing chaos, causing divisiveness, blocking policies that might benefit the people or protect the environment. They are effectively distracting us as the super-rich elites steal the future of humanity: enjoy the bleep-show.

     During a discussion about Trump just before the 2016 election, I stated that if elected, Trump would be impeached in six months and soon after would declare martial law. Everyone else at the table agreed that it "wouldn't be that bad." Trump was, of course, eventually impeached twice and his advisors at the end of his presidency emboldened him to declare martial law. Domestic terrorists at the January 6th riot were waiting for Trump to call on their militias or "quick reaction forces" before they brought in the guns. Trump waited for Pence to call the 2020 election results into question. Unfortunately for Trump and the terrorists, Pence followed the law.

     Before the Civil War, an oligarchy of about 1,000 plantation owners ruled the South, mainly through militias, the police, and slave patrols, armed forces that beat, tortured, and murdered people who protested against the tyranny. 600,000 people died during the Civil War in an effort to end that oligarchy. The entire country is now ruled by a super-wealthy oligarchy. A handful of people own over half the wealth in this country, and they control our politicians through dark money. Powerful elites in this country perpetuated genocide and slavery for centuries. Does anyone really believe that the elites would hesitate to establish a police state to protect their interests? Enjoy the bleep-show.

     The flowers I have experienced and the people I have known are priceless. We are all multidimensional. We are all reflections of the divine. I can’t think of an adequate dollar amount to compensate for the people and ecosystems we have lost and continue to lose due to the global system of greed, the global rule of the oligarchy--or whatever you want to call it. Humanity and numerous species will remain in serious danger if we don't put an end to the greed and the lies. Only in spiritual truth can we see the splendor of nature and the splendor within all people. We must end the lies of this darkly corrupt system if we are to leave an inhabitable planet and a sustainable future for all of humanity.