All Text, Music, and Illustrations, including Paintings, Photographs, and 3D models, Copyright © 2022 by Jim Robbins.
LET GO
Words and Music by Jim Robbins
The day had come to say goodbye,
the rooms gathering their endings,
eyelids closing near worn-out paths,
my body a ravaged hive.
As I closed my eyes, buildings
emptied themselves of me, decades
of webs cleared in a moment. Free,
I threw my knife down and plunged
into a river where no lifeguard
could save me, and I drifted
toward slow tapestries in the soil,
hearing the mantra of leaves:
Leave the toil of destinations:
Let go, let go, only know the sun.
Immobile, I saw treasures
no one else could see: a golden
cup and plate on a pure, white cloth;
a lemniscate; an equal-armed cross.
In the deep a diamond hovered above my head,
and, far below mouths opening and closing
on the flowing surface, I could see threads
everywhere dissolving in a blazing light
of negative existence. Aware
of my breath, I opened my eyes,
my hands together, my legs stiff,
returning to a failing body, knowing
light in each cell, in the earth,
in the deepest roots of the mind.
Native American Village Site, at the bottom of Pine Flat Reservoir
One day, I leapt from rock to rock across Big Creek and climbed an embankment above a stream near an ancient Native American site. I discovered a lush Eden drenched with freshness. Sensing a mysterious presence, I explored the area and soon faced daunting inclines all around me. Nevertheless, I forged ahead, climbing higher and higher until I was perching on a nearly vertical cliffside. When I looked down, I suspected that I would not be able to descend without tumbling to my death, and the cliff above me appeared hopelessly steep. For a few moments, I was sure that I was going to die on a pristine mountainside. After I recovered from climber's panic, I did the only thing I could do: I inched my way to the top of the ridge and eventually found an easier route back down to the water.
At one point recently, I stared into a different kind of abyss. Due to recurring bouts of atrial fibrillation (Afib), I was 99.9 percent certain that I was experiencing a fatal form of heart disease. Besides making my heart go haywire, gluten had also ruined my digestive system, which could no longer digest fiber of any kind. I kept experiencing Afib and severe bloating, hoping that I wouldn't have a stroke or heart attack while striving all the while to accept the inevitable. I felt an overwhelming desire to withdraw from daily life and from my relationships. On the one hand, I was subconsciously trying to protect myself. On the other, I was trying to let go and give others the opportunity to let go of me as well.
When I was seventeen, my father died of a heart attack. He was only fifty-five. I began having Afib at the age of fifty-five and couldn't avoid the feeling that we are all blips on the cosmic radar screen. Life seemed unreal due to its brevity, but when I went into deep meditation, realizing that every skipped heart beat might be my last, I kept finding myself immersed in light. Once, I even believed that I wasn't going to wake up at all. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see my usual surroundings. My legs were stiff, and my heart was still beating erratically, and I felt trapped in transience and illusion.
I have dramatically reduced atrial fibrillation and many other physical and emotional problems by eliminating gluten completely from my diet. I feel like a new person.
Based on my experiences, I am sure now that this society is totally in denial about death. We are also in denial about the genocide of Native Americans and slavery and the almost intractable racism that enabled both to occur. We are in denial about the destruction of the planet and the greed of the super-rich and the economic predators and the corrupt politicians who are responsible. We ignore inequality and racism and environmental destruction so that we can continue to hold onto the illusion that we will be rich someday and magically remain youthful forever. We are so trapped in a cult of youth and status, which is based on denial, that we can't feel the divinity of people and nature or the underlying unity of all consciousness. Perhaps, at this point, only extreme suffering will wake us up.
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